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January 21, 2008

I wanted to share something with you that I wrote on my lunch break today. Brian was told today that the job we were so hopeful about is probably not going to happen, at least not for a few months. They are not going to be doing any hiring until around April. To say we are discouraged is putting it lightly. So, here are some of my thoughts

I need to get some stuff out of my heart….It’s uncomfortable carrying it around with me. I’ve been hopeful and positive for the last couple of weeks. I felt like the Lord was speaking to me, to us as a family and saying that things were going to start to change – that we were entering a new season and moving forward.  I know hearing some”bad news” does not necessarily change any of that, but my heart feels betrayed right now. It feels like every time I get my hopes up, every time I start to think that things are changing, it all falls apart. I’ve wondered quite a few times over the last few months if I missed God somehow. If I heard wrong… if I made a mistake. I don’t really think that is truth, and a few weeks ago at our small group someone specifically prayed that they felt the Lord telling them we were to know that we didn’t make a mistake – we didn’t hear wrong. I felt encouraged by that – I felt empowered and hopeful. Now, I’m not so sure. If I am hearing from the Lord, if I am walking out what he wants for me, and if I am doing what I am called to do, then why is all this so difficult? Why has it been almost 8 months and not ONE really good job option for Brian? Why do I feel less like I am depending on the grace of God to live and more like I am imposing on the good graces of my family? Why do I feel like we are treading water instead of moving forward? Why do I feel like we just can’t start building a life here because we don’t have a home, or adequate income or certainty about what is around the corner? Leaving Indiana was difficult – this wasn’t something I leaped into without thinking. I didn’t want to leave our friends or our family there. I didn’t want them to feel pushed aside. I didn’t want to face the difficulty and pain of change. But, in that season, it seemed to both of us that we JUST KNEW this is what we were supposed to do. It wasn’t just about moving to be near my side of the family; it wasn’t just about planting a church and needing the support. We really truly felt that our time in Indianapolis was drawing to a close – that door was closing and that season was ending. This just felt right. God seemed to confirm his will regarding this move over and over again. Taking all of that into account, I guess I blindly thought that if he wanted us to do this, he would pave the way for us here. He would provide for everything and, dare I say, all of this would be easy. I know now that God’s will isn’t always easy, that doing what we are called to do sometimes brings difficulty or pain or uncertainty…..but I feel a little like this was bait and switch… like we got suckered into this without knowing all the details.  The end result is still the same. I (and we) will keep moving ahead, and keep trusting God and keep believing that he is doing all of this for our good and that there is a reason for the difficulty we are going through. I know that this isn’t the most difficult thing we will ever go through and that on the other side we will probably be thankful for this season. But, right now I feel discouraged, hurt, angry and a bit betrayed. I’m just not sure what to do with all of those emotions…..they are more difficult to be honest about than hope and anticipation and encouragement. 



 Why do I share these thoughts with you? I realize they aren’t pretty, they don’t sound like I have alot of faith. They don’t have polish and tenacity behind them. That is the whole point. I wanted to be honest, I wanted to be real, I wanted to show that God isn’t afraid of what is in our hearts, even when it seems ugly or lacking in faith. God and I will be okay together…we will get through this and I will love him and serve him and worship him all the days of my life. But, it’s okay to tell him I’m hurt, I’m confused or angry or feel betrayed – he knows anyway. It’s okay to be real and honest with those around us – we don’t have to wear the “everything is okay and I’m just trusting God” mask all the time. Scripture is FULL of honest heart crys to the Father. It’s full of pain and confusion and any number of other unpleasant emotions. Read the Psalms….God not only CAN handle our honest emotions, he WANTS us to bring them to him. I’m learning more and more to speak the truth and trust God to change what needs to be changed…he can take it and I’m better off for it.  

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Robyn permalink
    January 21, 2008 9:59 pm

    Praying…I wish there were words – wise words, or comforting words. All I know is this – I still believe there is a plan, and I know you guys do too. Be encouraged. I read Gina’s blog tonight and was reminded of this song that I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

  2. Jenny Stamm permalink
    January 22, 2008 8:55 pm

    Hi Tracy, I am at work (Go Fish, Greenwood Mall) picking up an extra(VERY SLOW)shift and I thought I would catch up on a few emails. I have been very, very bad about emails since getting married but seeing as how we will hit one year in April, I am starting to figure out how to allow SOME time away from my (also VERY hot!! I read your post about Brian) husband for pc time! 🙂 I came across the link to your site and thought I would check in. Your words really reminded me of my time overseas in the UK. Of course, God paved the way. He wanted me there. Even until a few days ago (and I have been home for 3 years!) I ‘wondered’ if I heard Him correctly. Why I suffered so seemed like such a contradiction….the ships lined up and then I felt like I was sinking once I got there. I can relate to many of those thoughts, emotions, and it touched my heart to read your honesty. God called me. Paved the WAY. Confirmation after confirmation. EVERYTHING. But when I got there, I was hit by every possible obstacle. I was broke. Spent every penny. I cried. Kept pressing on. I COULD NOT find work. Little here, little there. I mostly had donations given to me by folks who felt either ‘led’ or just plain sorry for me. Most of the time I just wondered why….why all of the way here …for THIS?? You are right though. He does have reasons. I wish I could re-do it all now, knowing what HE taught me through that pain!!! I guess I realized that I HAD to endure that to prepare me for NOW. He changed my heart. Deepend my love for Him. Although I see you, hear your words, and think, man, she does not even need the lessons I needed, she is SOOO much wiser than I EVER was…and Brian too!! I still know that He will continue to carry you (even though it is really hard to depend on family and others, we feel we are imposing after only a short while!) Rita Springer’s song “Worth It All” ministered to me soooooooooo much during my painful times in the UK. BIG TIME, this song touched my very soul!! I am excited for when things do turn around (THEY WILL) for you and Brian and your family. David keeps saying ‘we need to go and see the Easts’!! I had much more opportunity to know Brian more than you and he is such a blessing, yes. David has so much respect for him, as do I. But I can also see the AWESOME woman he has at his side. That is priceless. Be encouraged, daughter of the KING. His mercies are new every morning…
    ps…do you have a paypal account?

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