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I’m Sorry…..Really….

June 20, 2008

I’ve thought about it dozens of times…really I have. I know I said I was going to take a week or two off and it’s been nearly 2 months, but honestly guys….there just isn’t enough in me right now to keep this thing up and running with witty banter! I’ll try to get back to writing some, but life needs to settle down enough for me to breath right before I can get back to posting nearly every day.

So here is what I have been up to for the last 2 months…..My daughter, my baby turned 5. I knew it would happen and I’m excited to see her growing into such an independent person, but honestly, who doesn’t mourn a little to see the last remnant of babyhood go? She will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and my heart breaks a little bit to even think about it. She has gotten cheated out of so much that my son got to experience….preschool, staying home with mommy until 2nd grade….She has been in daycare full time before even starting school….and she just never gets the same kind of attention that he got. I know life isn’t always fair, but I hate that it isn’t fair in this way!

I got a new job! It was a whirlwind that happened so quickly. I sent in a resume, they called me the next day for an interview and 2 weeks later I had done a major presentation for them in a second interview and was giving my notice at the job I have been in since November. I’m not the kind of person to hop around and I HATED starting my 3rd job in less than a year….but it was too good to pass up. A lot more money, more responsibility, it’s in the field I’ve gotten my degree in….it’s a good opportunity. BUT, even good opportunities can be full of anxiety and stress and this has been no exception. I started almost 2 weeks ago and I’m really enjoying it….but I feel a bit maxed out emotionally. There is just too much going on in my life right now that need attention.

Primarily? Because of the new job we were able to move out of my parents place into a place of our own – which happened RIGHT as I was starting the new job. So, double whammy I guess. We are thrilled to have our own space again and we knew that it was the right thing to do if there was ANY WAY to make it work. We just needed to get on our own feet again. I didn’t want to take advantage of my parents gracious hospitiality any more and every one of us was feeling the stress of all being crammed into one house. The kids are thrilled with their new space and having their own rooms again and I am thrilled to have my stuff back. It’s wonderful and scary and I keep asking God….what are you doing?

I’ll tell you this….I still don’t doubt for a moment that we are doing what we are called to do. Even though this last year has been painful and difficult, I still feel God’s hand leading us – even though it’s been in the dark much of the time. I feel like in many ways this is a new beginning for us, but at the same time, its almost as hard as before.

We still feel all the huge stress of so much transition at once….it’s been over a year of near constant change and transition and it wears on you after awhile. The kids are trying to adjust to a summer spent at a babysitter full-time, I’m adjusting to a new place with the work that goes along with it as well as a new job, Brian is trying to do everything he can to help around the house, move and unpack, work full-time and look for a new job that pays better…. And, while the excitement of a new beginning is amazing, it has been dampened quite a bit and overshadowed by some stuff happening in our lives that have put both of us in a difficult and precarious spot emotionally.

I’m probably being more honest than I should but my defenses are down. Everyone is asleep, I’m worn out, I feel a bit beat-up emotionally and I would rather be real right now than fake. Life is still amazing…a gift, and I’m awestruck by the goodness of my God in the midst of pain and stress and conflict and all the other raw human emotions going on in my life lately. We are healthy, we have everything we need and I’m choosing to believe that at some point all of this last year or so will make sense. I do know this….we didn’t make a mistake moving. Life was stagnant and we didn’t feel a future ahead of us before. I feel a future now. I feel like we are growing and stretching and changing….it’s painful sometimes, but it’s better than staying the same! So, even when the conflict comes, even when it’s stressful, even when we are misunderstood…..no matter what happens we are moving ahead. It’s another new beginning and I’m embracing that!

So…..what have you been up to lately?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 23, 2008 8:42 am

    Wow, that sounds like a whirlwind. I am exhausted just reading about it. But so happy for you all, that you are finally in your own space. I hope things settle down for you soon. May the Lord fill your cup and ease your weariness. We just got back from the beach and I hope to have pictures of the trip posted today!

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