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Painting my own toenails….

May 4, 2009

nail-polish

Hey friends…how are ya? I’ve taken the last few days away from writing to reflect, to process and to get some perspective. I’m not sure the perspective in my life was ready to be gotten though, so I’m still a bit lacking!

I’m cycling through some strange emotions right now and struggling. I seem to do this at least a couple of times a year…I evaluate my life, I evaluate my family and how I love my kids, how I love my husband. I wonder if I’m a good enough mom and a good enough wife (what exactly IS good enough anyway?) I evaluate my relationship with God….do I pray enough? Do I need him – really need him? Am I making a difference? Am I doing what he wants? Am I living out the things that are in my heart? The ones HE put there? These are all tough questions that I haven’t found answers to yet.

But for me, right now, there is a bigger question I’m wrestling with. This is the one that has kept me awake at night. This is the one that I’m thinking about as I go through my day… What do I do about the brokenness going on in my heart? What do I do with this passion for Justice? What can I do to change the reality of rampant poverty in so much of the world? How do I make a difference? Why do I have so much?  I guess that was more like 5 questions, but you get the picture!

The thing is, I don’t have any answers. Sometimes I start to think some pretty radical thoughts. What if I just gave everything away? What if I just choose to live a much simpler life so that I can give and serve the poor? What if I were to quit my job so I can spend all my time serving and loving and ministering to the broken?  And then? Fear stops me cold….I can’t give EVERYTHING away, my family needs that stuff. I can’t require a simpler life of them because of my passion. Could I really DO a radically simpler life? What would that even look like. What about the future – we need to save for our future right? How far do I trust that God would take care of me if I’m not “doing my part” to save and prepare. There is no way I could quit my job, how would we survive without that income. On and on it goes – when you boil it down, my response to each question is fear.

I fear having too much, but I also fear not having enough. I fear not doing enough, but I also fear doing too much. I fear the future and I fear looking back at my past and having regrets….fear can paralyze you. I hate fear, and I don’t want to live like that.

I still don’t have the answers but I’m taking some baby steps. I’m making small choices that add up to big things in my heart. I’m praying and seeking. I’m asking for God’s eyes and ears and heart. AND….I’m painting my own toenails.

My sweet husband made me an appointment this past weekend for a pedicure. I’ve had them in the past from time to time and I loved them. It’s such a pampering feeling! He wanted to show me love and he wanted to do something special for me. I appreciate that so much! But, I just could not be at peace with spending $40 to have somebody rub my feet and paint my toes. I tried to make it work in my heart but it wouldn’t. People are dying, people are bathing in the street. People are wondering where their next meal is going to come from and I just can’t pay somebody to paint my toes. So I cancelled the appointment and painted my own toes….and my heart found a little bit of peace. It’s a baby step, but it’s a step.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Brian Lanich permalink
    May 8, 2009 3:55 pm

    Are you sure you’re not struggling with a call to Missions? All I know, who have had that call and it’s been a lot, have always shared the same sorts of issues relating to understanding the call that God was placing in their lives.

  2. May 8, 2009 4:17 pm

    You know, I’ve never thought that I’m so much called to Missions in the larger sense, but I’m very confident that Brian and I are called to at least short term missions. We both are passionate about seeing the global community and participating in seeing The Kingdom come in those communities, countries, nations, etc.

    I guess I’m just longing for the day when I can expend my energy doing some of that instead of doing a job, cooking dinner, washing laundry etc….those things can suck the passion right out of a person!

  3. Brian Lanich permalink
    May 8, 2009 4:26 pm

    But, those things never go away, they are always with us as a part of daily life. The key is learning to control them, not let them control us.

    BTW, I am not wanting to put thoughts in your bean, but in all honesty, and between Bible College and going to two different Seminaries I’ve known a lot, what you are expressing is what every Missionary I’ve ever known has expressed.

    I’ve always wanted to talk about the deeper Theological issues and how they affect our lives and they have cut me off at the knees only to say something like, “one million children just went to bed without food in the time it took to say what Agape love really means.”

  4. May 8, 2009 4:34 pm

    True enough….Theology? I see the value but I could care less. What I care about is the fact that Jesus said to serve the poor, love the poor, show mercy to the poor. He didn’t say a thing about getting our theology correct!

    I’m not ready to say “Missions” but I can say a whole-hearted amen to a life of social justice.

  5. Brian Lanich permalink
    May 8, 2009 4:40 pm

    Hence the beauty of Ephesians 4:1-16 and 1 Cor. 12.

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